Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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