I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
