when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
