He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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