Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
