Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
