so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
