take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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