East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
