so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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