I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
