just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
