I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
