I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You are a genius and a whore.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
