Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize