Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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