The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
