The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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