Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
