my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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