my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
