I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
as a side note pls kill me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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