best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
