So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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