Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
