just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
