You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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