Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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