did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the day after is always just damage control
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
