I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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