Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
