Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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