we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
