You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
