so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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