hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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