I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
