I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
