New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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