My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
