i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
