Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
