I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Randomize
