May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
