Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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