Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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