I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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