So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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