I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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