when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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