i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
