If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
