he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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