I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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