i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
