hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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