Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just pee around me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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